"A very young child’s potential for learning and understanding is far greater than we tend to believe. The exciting possibility is that while children are learning new words daily, they can learn the language of the scriptures. In time, through the guidance of parents and teachers, they will grow in their understanding that Heavenly Father is speaking to them through the scriptures, that the scriptures can help them find answers to their problems." - Anne G. Wirthlin

This is a loved man

Jonathan decided he wanted to give a new drug Radicava a try.  It was just recently approved by the FDA for persons with ALS.  It is the first drug in 20 years that has been approved by the FDA.  I am unaware of great success that has come about with the use of the drug, but it is new enough that there are not a lot of people that have used it.  In the clinical trials there was one positive result that indicated it helped to slow the progression of the disease.  Radicava is a regular IV infusion that Jonathan will receive in an on/off cycle for the rest of his life, or as long as he wants to use it.  It is ridiculously expensive, $1,000 a dose.  Insurance doesn't cover the cost, but there is another group that has approved Jonathan to assist with the cost of the drug.  He will have to go to the hospital for his infusions that are supposed to last about 1.5 hours.  When he reaches maintenance dosing I believe he will dose for 10 days and be off for 14.  All yet to be understood entirely.

We went in today for surgery so that Jonathan could have a permanent port placed for easy access for the infusions.  I have never been to a place where more love could have been felt.  From the moment we walked through the automatic doors of Asante Three Rivers Hospital there was an outpouring of love.  Real genuine love.  The people that cared for Jonathan truly love this man.  He has spent 6 years working by their side striving to provide excellent patient care.  He has been among them and garnered their love and respect.  I have often taught my children the boomerang scripture: 

Alma 41:15

"For that which ye do send out shall return unto you again, 

and be restored..."

Never has that scripture been more true than the moments I sat with Jonathan watching loving hands prep him, perform, and recover him from surgery.  There were not finer people to walk the earth than those that cared for Jonathan.  I saw them very clearly wanting to give back to him all that he has spent many years giving to them.  It was hallowed fulfillment of scripture.  

Jonathan is a loved man.

By more than just me.

Dr. Megan Frost placed the port and left her loving mark.  Keith Jensen, the last of Jonathan's true anesthesia comrades that were among the members of the original CRNA group performed his anesthesia.  The best of the best.  The very hands of our Savior could not have felt more loving this day.  There is a goodness to some people that permeates everything.  We are so blessed.

I think there was a little excitement for Jonathan to be on the receiving end of anesthesia.  He marveled at how well he remembered nothing and again was reminded why his job brought him so much satisfaction.  Anesthesia is a funny thing, we know that it works and where it works, but science doesn't really understand why.  Leave it to Jonathan to pick a profession that is close to magic.  I could not love this man more.

Failed Frugal Moose

For years we have had the Christmas Eve matching jammie tradition.  I personally love it and it brings me absolute joy as a mother.  This year there were many lessons learned in the jammie acquisition process that previous years have left unlearned.  I began my search for affordable matching pj's way back at the beginning of November thinking I would be way ahead of the game.  

I lost this game.

Bad.

I found a "great" website online to order the pj's from at a price of $3.88 for a pair of pj's!  This was a screaming good deal so I clicked and ordered.  Things went wrong in a hurry.  My credit card was hacked, false charges were made to my account and customer service only speaks Chinese.  We had to replace the credit card and reschedule all of our automatic payments.  When the pajama's arrived I quickly found that Chinamen and Jenson's do not have the same physique.  The pants were appropriately sized until about Michael's pair at which point the bottoms increased in size assuming we were full grown gnomes, not humans.  I originally ordered 9 sets of pj's at a screaming good price but it took all nine for me to remake enough pairs to fit the kids and left Jonathan and I out of the matchy-match party.  I did some awesome stitch work and got pretty good looking jammies for this posse.  We took our festive Christmas Eve matching jammie photos and captured the memory to last forever.

And then I washed my Chinese made, gnome fitting pj's.

And they melted.  I had a hot mess of melted Moose.  Antlers, bodies and hooves became one and when forced to decling I had holes in our pj's.  Holy $3.88 matching jammies Batman. 

But in the moment we gathered, anticipating Christmas morning, the jammies were perfect.  Everything was perfect.  Love, and the twinkles of a child filled the air and there was true joy.  Thick, and full, and real.  The promise of forever as a family filled our home to the brim and life simply could not have been better.

We are eternal.  We are forever.  We are as good as it gets.

Made perfect and possible through Him whom we love.

Christmas Eve Nativity with the Moss family

We joined the Mosses for Christmas Eve dinner.  It was broccoli cheese soup, toasted garlic bread and veggies.  We gathered all 13 children around and put on the nativity.  I think this was the first year our family has tried such a feat but we managed without too much chaos.  Rebecca's costumes made the kids look darling.  There was a gentleness and peace as we read scriptures and sang songs of the Savior's birth.

Being Gloria Fretz's Bishop

This year for Christmas the ward decided once again to put together Christmas baskets for members of our ward that were deserving of a little extra love.  Jonathan and I spent several hours purchasing food items and materials for the baskets.  We went to the church to drop off all of the items in the kitchen so they would be ready for the youth to assemble at mutual.  Jonathan isn't able to help carry anything anymore so I lugged all the food inside alone.  On my last load I looked over this sea of heartfelt love and paused, I realized for the first time my season as a bishop's wife is coming to a close.  For 5 Christmases I have stood alongside Jonathan as he has worked with integrity to bless the poor and the needy.  For 5 Christmases I have been his go-to-girl as he has loved, ministered and lifted this time of year... loaves of bread, flower bouquets, boxes, baskets.   Pondering my experiences brought an awareness of approaching closure on this chapter of our lives.  

However, 5 Christmases has brought more than a reason to ponder.  It has dealt the dear bishop an upper hand.  As the boxes were being assigned for delivery there was one box that Jonathan very willingly set to the side assuring others he was happy to deliver himself.

Gloria Fretz's box.

Gloria Fretz is a 92 year old woman that drives a mini-van with rubber duckies covering the entire front dash.  Gloria Fretz is spunky.  Gloria Fretz doesn't miss a Saturday morning church cleaning assignment and brings here own supplies.  Gloria Fretz has had 92 years on earth to reach perfection, chocolatiering perfection.  European chocolatiering perfection.  After serving as her bishop for 5 Christmases Jonathan knew what she was up to this time of year.

And he capitalized.

But pride cometh before the fall.

And he did.  Backwards off of her steps, hitting his head so hard his vision became blurred and he started to shake from shock.  It was the hardest I have seen him fall and his first time falling backwards forcefully.  We have his new leg braces that we picked up yesterday to thank for that gesture.  They help him to stand more erect but they force his weight backwards.  Which quickly becomes problematic when attempting to Christmas carol from a flight of stairs.  Dear Sister Fretz opened the door to a lack of singing and Jonathan lying prostrate in her front yard.  Adam and I lifted Jonathan back to his feet and the little kids sang a song with gusto.  She was so pleased with their singing she threw in another box of chocolates.  Sadly, as we left she informed us that his was her last year of chocolate making and so we would have to savor every bite.  And we did.  Thanks hun for lunging from cement steps for these chocolates.  Even little Anna knows perfection when she see it.

Yellow wool reborn

18 years ago as a senior in high school I wore that yellow sweater.  I don't remember why other than we were supposed to wear something hideous.  I rummaged a second hand store and found the itchiest thing on their racks.

Last night the sweater was reborn.  Just last month I looked at my box of costume clothing in the attic and told myself to just get rid of it because I likely would never use it again, but the in the back of my head was the little voice that said I would eventually have teenagers and they would need hideous clothing.

And so the 2017 ugly Christmas sweater was born.  I found a glitter stag, silk poinsettias, and jingle bells.  Added a touch of hot glue and hideous yellow sweater circa 1999 made it's way onto the runway again.  It was a really proud moment as a mother.

Cozy Coupe... Remade by Matthew

Christmas break is in full swing and yesterday the kids were antsy.   They were getting restless so I told the big kids to grab the little kids and take a lap around the neighborhood... about a 3/4 mile loop. From inside the kitchen window I saw Matthew riding through the backyard with an empty cozy coupe tied to his bike grinning ear to ear.  I have to admit, he is more of a genius than I will ever be.  I could see in his grin a recognition of how brilliant he was, a pat on his back for making his job exponentially easier, and deep down a little boy bliss knowing how insanely fun this was going to be for Aaron, probably wishing he were once again the stubby-legged two year old in the cozy coupe.  He eagerly solicited his tag-alongs, even dressing Aaron up in his own personal froggie hat and gloves Grandma Jenson gave to him from days living in North Liberty, IA.  And they were off.  Again and again and again.

And again today.

When Maggie realized how much fun she was missing out on she grabbed her hat and gloves and put Matthew's brains to the test once again.  This time forcing him to create a cozy coupe built for two.

My mama heart burst inside.  I love these little dumplings.  Every smidgen of them.  Then mother hen took over and I realized how dangerous it was to have Maggie hanging out the backside of the car going the speed Matthew's legs were pumping and instigated the passenger helmet rule.  I love these people.

Never Be Afraid to Trust an Unknown Future to a Known God

Maggie left for preschool at the Moss's home this morning leaving the two littles at home with me. Jonathan had physical therapy so he was gone for the morning as well.  Aaron was causing restless trouble and so I took my que to bundle them up and head outside.  It has been particularly cold and humid this past week, but this morning the windows weren't frozen over when I drove Michael to school (because he has recently refused to get out of bed to ride the bus with Andrew) so I knew the "bite" wouldn't be quite as intense when we left the house.  

I loaded them in the stroller, wrapped them in their blankies and started off down Mesman away from the park.  I love going for a walk because when it is cold, there isn't much talk and I am left alone to my thoughts.  So often at home there is chaos, and daily tasks blaring at me so I don't have time to really see my thought processes through.  Going on a walk brings serenity and time to think.  Lately I have been feeling so oppressed by thoughts of our future.  Of my future.  Mourning the life I have spent my entire life dreaming of and envisioning.  Mourning who I thought we would be.  As we walked the tears came and I remembered my thought after reading Elder Bednar's most recent conference talk... Christ brings hope.  Hope in the very moment that I am in.  When the Savior asks us to cast our burdens at His feet I find my greatest burden is tomorrow.  And tomorrow's tomorrow.  An endless sea of scary, dark, unpredictable, unmanageable, too heavy, too sad, unforeseen tomorrow's that I don't want to face.  I don't want to know how hard it is going to get and I don't want to live that hard.  And then these words came to my mind...

At the time I couldn't remember when I had heard them before, but they flooded me.  And I knew I had to cast my burden on the Lord.  I had to give him all of my tomorrow's.  Every-single-one.  Because I really don't know what my tomorrow's will be.  From where I stand now they are tomorrow's I don't want to face.  But I don't see what He sees.  I don't know what He knows.  I only KNOW that God is love.  My entire life He has been a God of nothing but love, patience, goodness, and kindness.  A God of miracles.  A God that has given me so much joy.  Is He not constant?  Is He not unchangeable?  Then cast all my tomorrow's at his feet and have HOPE in my today.  How can you look into the face of a child so perfect and not have hope?  Not have reason to rejoice, to smile, to breathe peacefully?  Hope is my today.  Because today, is a beautiful day.  And if every today there is hope, we will be okay.

So we continued on our walk winding up and down the streets of the neighborhood past Redwood Park.  We stopped to watch the flock of Canadian geese, I thought for sure Aaron would chase them into the sky, but he timidly stood back and watched.

"Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself." 

Matthew 6:34