It is my sincere prayer that this blog post is filled with true gentleness and love.
Several years ago I found myself in a darkness that I had no idea existed. I had never tasted it before, nor seen anything of its nature in or near my soul. It was as foreign as anything I had ever known, but imperceptibly it came and stayed. Unrecognized at first, I didn’t understand it, but saw its influence and effect in every moment of my every day. Undoubtedly, it was bondage.
I believe it was a personal concoction of fatigue, grief, fear, triggers, hurt, brokenness & depression. I don’t believe that all darkness is bred of the same tincture. It is fiercely personal and intimately unique. But I do believe there are moments and seasons and circumstances that meld together differently in each child of God that try us, and test us, and demand that we too, must drink from a bitter cup.
I want to bear my witness that there exists a Redeemer, a Deliverer. A force and a power, and a love that no matter the darkness, has power to overcome with light. I truly believe that when we come unto Him, we are changed.
In an effort to overcome darkness I knew I wanted the purest form of light I could find. So I spent more and more time reading scripture. And small pieces of light began to come. For example, in my darkness I found myself “snapping” at moments. I would lash out in anger in an effort to vent the darkness that swelled. I didn’t love lashing out, but I didn’t know how to make the darkness leave except explode. I turned to my scriptures and my mind began to ponder the principle of “temperance.” Galatians reads: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance.” I reflected on the time my sweet 5 year old Matthew threw a rock into our van window and it exploded. Glass was everywhere. But upon inspection, I realized that I could pick the pieces of glass up with my bare hands. The glass was tempered. It was broken, but it wasn’t sharp. Light filled my entire soul. God never said I couldn’t be broken, in fact, quite the opposite, He asks for a broken heart. But He did ask that I be temperate. He asks that I break with temperance so that instead of cutting with sharpness those around me, my brokenness allowed others to scoop me up, hold me, and help put me back together again. I promised from that day forward, tempered brokenness. No part of my life circumstance had changed, but a particle of darkness was replaced with light.
In addition to filling my mind with light, I found a similar need for my body. I needed the breath of life and desire to keep going-
Overcome and defeated, numb, and weary I sat on my couch with my phone in my hand. I typed into google “how to overcome depression”. Although just one facet of my darkness, I new it was a piece. My soul was screaming out: PLEASE someone help me. A recent scientific study popped up that I clicked on. It was a study regarding the effects of exercise on depression. Participants, who identified as being depressed, agreed to perform 30 minutes of exercise, 5 days a week for 3 months. These were the results. Fifty percent of the participants no longer identified as having any signs of depression at all. Thirty percent identified as having at least a 50 percent reduction in depression symptoms, and 15 percent identified as having a noticeable decrease, while the last 5 percent noticed no change at all. I trained as a science teacher in college, not math, but a 90% perceptible decrease in symptoms sounded promising to me. I vowed in that exact moment I was all in. I wasn’t going to miss a day. The next 3 months I would devote 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week to finding light.
I began to go for a walk each day. I left everything that called to me behind and put on my shoes and walked out my front door. Some days it was all I could do to go, but I made a promise to myself. So I never missed. Something I noticed - almost like clockwork, I would get to the exact same spot on my regular trail and activity in my body led to an endorphin release, which would stimulate an emotional release, and I would begin to cry. I wept and walked for months. My brokenness found a temperate release. Nothing in my life circumstances had changed, but darkness was replaced with light.
I truly believe that:
1. Filling our minds with pure truth every single day, (scriptures and words of apostles and prophets)
2. Exercise, almost daily and
3. Repentance (which I didn’t touch on) daily,
are gentle ways that are ordained of God that allow us to come unto Him, find rest & light.
The darkness that once consumed me didn’t leave overnight. It wasn’t a one and done moment. It was a journey that has involved months of prayer, fasting, temple attendance, counseling with parents, talking talking talking talking to spouse, seeking counsel from priesthood leaders, accessing additional caregiving help, changes in relationships, white knuckle straight up gritty faith. BUT there exists a source of light that can help us regardless of the terrain. I am so confident of that I would be willing to lay down my life defending that belief. There is always light. So keep your chin up. Believe in good to come… and follow the Savior’s command to “spare not.”
Missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints asked if we would be willing to share what we had learned in our life journey. They compiled this video “Spare Not” that descubes some of this journey. You can click this link to view it. ❤️ https://fb.watch/i0c9QrDbL_/
